Denise Folcik
Denise Folcik is in recovery from bulimia, anorexia and OCD. She
has done many television, newspaper, blog and magazine interviews, as well as
speaking at the Wisconsin state capitol advocating for health insurance
changes. She also speaks at libraries, women’s groups and colleges. She started
her own publishing company, Metafly Books, LLC, and published her first
book, In ED’s Path, her story of recovering from a midlife eating
disorder. Today, Denise spends her days in a healthy balance of work, family,
friends and metime. This is her story.
My name is Denise. I
am 50 years old. I have a supportive husband, four wonderful children and four
beautiful grandchildren. I had been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for
nearly 20 years. I was in treatment for six years and have been in
recovery for four.
My eating disorder
began as a way for me to lose weight after I made the decision not to have any
more children. I looked in the mirror one day and didn’t like what I was
seeing, and found bulimia to be the perfect diet.I believed I would be able to
eat anything I wanted, get sick, and lose weight. As expected, I did lose a
substantial amount of weight in a very short period of time.
Counting on bulimia
I was the kind of person whose weight fluctuated like a yo-yo, constantly up and down and I was always on a diet. I believe I tried every diet on the market and I counted calories as though there was a calculator in my head, bought no-fat, low-fat, and sugar-free foods, but it was my bulimia that continued to give me the results I needed.
I was the kind of person whose weight fluctuated like a yo-yo, constantly up and down and I was always on a diet. I believe I tried every diet on the market and I counted calories as though there was a calculator in my head, bought no-fat, low-fat, and sugar-free foods, but it was my bulimia that continued to give me the results I needed.
My dependence on my
eating disorder grew and I found many more uses for it. It helped me through
many hard situations, helped to hide feelings that I feared, numbed me from
anything I didn’t care to deal with. It was truly always there, and felt like
my best friend.
Rationalizing extremes
For many years exercise was a part of my daily routine. I would walk three to four miles every morning and at least that many in the evening, and did aerobics in between. In my mind, this created the rationale that I had permission to eat something fun, since I had exercised so much.
For many years exercise was a part of my daily routine. I would walk three to four miles every morning and at least that many in the evening, and did aerobics in between. In my mind, this created the rationale that I had permission to eat something fun, since I had exercised so much.
My entire days were
filled with thoughts of food, calories, exercise, and bingeing and purging. I
enjoyed nothing more than cooking large meals for everyone, but didn’t eat
myself, or if I did eat I would binge followed by a purge. I got to a point
where I would consider even one cookie as badand I would have to get rid of it.
I thought I was in control of my eating disorder, and could stop whenever I
wanted, but I was extremely wrong.
Danger ahead
In 2004, I was driving
with my daughter Jodi, and I lost consciousness behind the wheel. Thank God we
did not have an accident. I was taken to the emergency room and after many
tests I admitted I had an eating disorder. My purging was up to 20 times a day
and I was depleting myself of vital nutrients. I was told that the blackout
occurred because my iron level and blood pressure were at dangerous lows.
I promised my family I
would never throw up again. In order to keep my promise I decided I would not
be able to eat. I did begin outpatient treatment, but continued to lose weight,
and was truly enjoying it. I was on an all-time high.
Best friend, worst enemy
I continued to shed
pounds and my outpatient therapist told me I would be dead in two years if I
kept this up. Even that didn’t scare me. I was not convinced at this point that
I even had a problem and was certainly not willing to give up my eating
disorder. I was feeling better than ever; I thought. One day I was sent to have
lab tests done and there appeared to be an irregularity in my EKG. This did
scare me, a little. This was the beginning of six years of treatment programs.
For a long time I still depended on my eating disorder, and was having a hard
time giving up my best friend, yet my worst enemy.
At first, my
outpatient therapist sent me to a nearby hospital that offered an eating
disorder program. They offered inpatient, partial hospitalization and group
therapy. Patients with eating disorders were mainstreamed with all aspects of
mental illness with some separate therapy focusing only on eating disorders. I
was admitted to this hospital four separate times.
After the third stay
my family gathered at and intervened and I was admitted into Rogers Memorial
Hospital, a phenomenal residential treatment facility, which happened to be 20
minutes from my home, so I was close to family.
In the other treatment
facility I found it hard to express what I was going through in midlife because
I was grouped in with teens and young adults, but in residential treatment we
were divided more by age which did help. I did learn a lot from the younger
patients about my own parenting and the influence my weight obsessions had on
my children.
Being at Rogers was
the first time in my life I was able to actually focus on Me and make decisions
that would benefit my recovery. During treatment I dealt with many past and
present issues that were weighing me down; I was able to let them go and move
on. It was very beneficial to have such a caring team and safe environment when
working through many difficult issues. I also learned how to have a healthy
relationship with food during my treatment process.
Difficult decisions
Soon after I was
discharged I had to make a number of very difficult changes; I got a divorce,
changed careers and moved to a nearby city to start the second half of life. I
was still close to family, yet felt I could start finding the real me. I always
tell people that my birth certificate lists Rogers as my place of birth; I feel
it was where I was reborn and where I truly found myself.
I believe the toughest
parts of my recovery were making the changes that would help my health, but
would hurt others. I was always the kind of person who wanted to insure
everyone else’s happiness, but never thought of my own. When I was trying to
make the changes needed to become healthy, I felt like I was hurting everyone I
loved.
Others would say
things that made me feel very guilty and selfish. I was breaking up my family,
which was the most difficult. I never wanted my children to be from a broken
home. My therapist asked me one day if my children would be better off with me
divorced or dead? It was also tough moving out on my own. I would have the
independence I was seeking, but I was also very lonely. I began using alcohol
as a companion, but eventually came to my senses as my life began to rebuild.
Healthy ways to deal with life’s challenges
Throughout the changes
I was making and stages of recovery I occasionally struggled with disordered
thoughts and behaviors. What I would do, that I was incapable of doing a few
years prior, was to stop and change or reframe the negative thoughts in my
head.
Self-talk has been one of the most helpful tools I learned in
treatment. I use it daily. I have challenges in life every day, but I have to
deal with these issues and put them behind me, instead of trying to ignore and
not deal with them. Communication has also played a large part in staying
healthy. I found my voice and realize that I must let others know how I feel
about things.
Recovery is “discovery
I realize now how
important it is to deal with issues as they arise in your life, despite how
tough that can be. You must stand up for and take care of yourself, before you
can ever take care of others. But, most important you must be yourself and not
who you think others want you to be or how society wants you to look. You do
not have to conform to the world, but do and be what you believe in. Also, do
not let others control you-this life was given to you by God. Recovery is being
healthy, happy and feeling free to choose and be myself and to deal with life’s
challenges in healthy ways. Recovery is learning more about myself every day. I
sometimes refer to recovery as “discovery”. I am in discovery. I think it sounds
a little more positive.
Recovery is not easy,
but it is so worth all the hard work. I know myself so much better than I ever
have. There are days that are tough, but I continue to move forward despite the
ease it would take to fall back in to my old unhealthy ways of coping. It is
never too late to find out who you are, discover your needs and take care of
yourself. Life balance is key in finding good health and happiness.
I have a voice and a
story: I want women of all ages to know that recovery is possible!
http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/stories
http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/recovery/stories
No comments:
Post a Comment